so happy getting married
finally
found my secure ground
no more tears bc of Antonio
and other men

tarot was right
i lost connection between passion and spirytuality
i lost that sparkle
ive been too focused on my loving neediness
too focused on passion for love
and i lost myself
somewhere between all those men
somewhere between all those desires
ive been so much withdrawn by other people
and its not really their fault
i let them make me feel this way
i stopped fighting for myself
i was focused on fighting for love instead and
i lost harmony
all that recent sleeping and eating
and dream of me boxing
i think they were signs that i need to recharge my spiritual battery
and when i get myself back again
happy not needy
i can start fighting again
and start winning

shall i look forward to July
shall i hope
to see a man who makes me want to be a better woman
brave honest man
but why the hell he has to live so far
my fucking luck
lets hope
lets try not to fuck it up
and be a patient better woman
what a challenge
worth a try?

''hurting someone is an act of reluctant intimacy''
you make me feel like abandoned child.you make me abuse you for a sake of provocation.i do it to get sth more than i dont know,maybe or 3 fucking dots.
i do it bc i stupidly hope you will deny ,reply with sth more than attack.

you
still
dancing with my soul

it seems so funny
one of my new years eve resolutions was to get married
me getting married may sound like a joke but its what i decided
very silly i know
and now i popped out with a question bit unconsciously
and there is this maybe floating in the air
and suddenly im not so sure anymore
i think it would be wise for us to get married
we are like 2 lonely atoms
walking around eachother
we not together on a daily basis
but in our minds
are we really not together?
after meeting man in a kilt
i have doubts but one question
and my atom moved closer to another one
its so weird we getting closer when we both not well
if we give eachtother relief when we not well
why we both so silly
not to be together when we happy
being happy together
is it what we so scared of?
i know i have doubts bc he is not next to me
even if i feel him so close so often
but are there any doubts when
my heart touches his
when i can feel its beat?
i know there is lack of control whats happening that time
there is harmony
and its beautiful
but is it enough?
maybe i dont know

party goes on but you are still my peaceful ground

please
let me be a better woman for this man
please give me strenght
let me be his
let him be mine
listen to may little pray

yesterday i went for long and wonderful journey to Coco Rosie land.i felt like my heart was being filled with soft feathers of gold and birds were singing for morning song.i wish i could lay there on the floor with my eyes closed.i woldnt have been able to see but feel better?yes.
i closed my eyes few times and i felt pure joy in my heart
it was magic
it was spiritual
it was...
i was happy
and i was thinking of him
and felt him growing bigger in my heart
and even if i m not sure
if i ever see him again
i want to be a better woman for this man
love from first sight how silly is that
but i want to treat it as a gift no matter how complicated and difficult it is
and i want to water this plant
water with hope
and smile
he was best bday gift i could ever imagine
and im more than grateful
i even wanted to go to church and pray
but im not sure if it would be fair
if it would be right
to pray for this
i feel silly asking God
who im not sure if i believe in
for love
is it ethical?
its all so chaotic
today ive been sleeping all day
and i ve been thinking why
i didnt work that much to be that tire
and ive just realized it must be my body missing him
breathing in his crumbles from my bed
i cant find any logic in it
but cant help
cant be bothered
bc it just feel right
loving him after spending only 10 hrs with him feel so damn right
and im going to cherish it
and be a better woman
he must be a good man
i dare to hope
i dare to believe
i dare to trust